The Year I Broke: The Reclamation

“Once you go inside and weed through the muck, you will find the real beauty, the truth about yourself.”

-Lindsay Wagner, Actress

The days after I cut him out of my life were full of tears, but I felt an instant freedom. I had been unhooked from the chaotic darkness that had been hanging on me for a year and a half. I had been washed ashore, gasping for air, exhausted. But alive. 

I made it.

Keeping him out of my life was a struggle. It felt like a big, empty hole was in my heart where a monster had been growing. It had consumed me, and for a while I was unsure how to operate without it.

But one day I had a vision that I do believe is from God:

I was outside of Heaven, talking to some angels. It was playing out over my shoulder, as if I was standing back up against the wall as far back as I could go in this crowd, and there were thousands of people and angels just standing around. All of a sudden everyone fell silent and began to step back to create a path and look at me. The path lead right to me. I was confused, trying to figure out what was going on. Then, in my mind’s eye, I could see God stand from his throne and declare, “I will seek her, and I will find her.”

Then the angel I had been talking to quietly said to me, with excitement, “He’s coming for you!”

I still don’t know all that God is trying to speak to me, and I am far from understanding it or recognizing his pursuit of me. But I’ve never felt so free.

I still live with a lot of the “battle wounds,” but I rather like it this way. I am learning to walk freely in who I am wholly as an individual, and I feel less compelled to live in the mold I “ought” to be in. And I am learning to be unafraid of sin. Because sin is a part of the human life. Following Jesus is not about putting my sin in a box on a shelf, hoping it stays there, hoping nobody sees, creating an “us” vs “them.”

Sin is part of our brokenness. And although I can’t quite grasp it, God’s pursuit of us is wild.

So to those who feel broken: Live in shame no longer. For although God is calling us to live differently, he is not asking us to live unbroken and perfect. Take solace in the fact that you are human, and God is a faithful savior inviting us to something much deeper.

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